Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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