WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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