i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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