Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Randomize
