haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
