I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Liz is crying about burritos again.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize