Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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