actually, I'm a sock model
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
