That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
