I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Randomize
