he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
