Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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