hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
