rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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