i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
