tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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