did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
