Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
