I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
