My hand turned me down
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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