I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
