Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
