My liver just broke up with me...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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