the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
