When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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