moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize