cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
