This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
