What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
