She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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