Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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