she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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