I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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