They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
