Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize