you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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