Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
