So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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