so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize