you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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