In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
