I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
