Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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