Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
