I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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