Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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