My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
