This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
