i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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