dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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