Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ambien. No doubt about it.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Randomize
