turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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