My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
